I want to preface this blog by saying marriage is the most difficult and rewarding thing in my life. I want to create a dialogue and be able to share true struggles and successes with other likeminded people about love, family and the balance of it all. I mean it with every fiber of my being, the world is a better place because my husband is in it. There is no doubt in my mind that I married my soulmate and someone that I am oftentimes undeserving of. I got married at 22 and was in no place to listen to anyone in my life tell me about my marriage. My husband and I went through marriage counseling before our big day (shoutout to Pastor Bill!) and were hit with some difficult questions regarding what expectations we were coming into this marriage with.
I am a child of a very messy divorce and it has tainted the way I view love. At one point in my life I found myself being very untrusting towards relationships (much like a “how long until you’re gone” game.) and at the first sign of a struggle, I was gone. My husband and polar opposite, comes from a household where his parents have been together for over 30 years and divorce in his family is not as common and accepted as mine. In fact, I can’t think of a single family member that has not been divorced on my side.
My expectation, I learned, was a very romantic view of marriage. Probably because I did not have a stable marriage in my household I had to learn what marriage looked like through movies. I expected love to be effortless and blissful (like the universe brought two people together). I knew that once you got married, you created a family unit and I spoke during counseling about how he would make me feel every day. For those of you who have been married for a while you’re probably laughing. Romantic, but not probable. My husband, however, was much more of a realist. His expectation is that we were going to go through some dark days but that he would never have to question that we were a team and approached struggles together. His expectation was that we would kiss each other every day and that football games were non-negotiable parts of his life.
Okay, so he didn’t say the last part although we schedule our Sundays around when the Patriots are expected to play.
If you are engaged or married and haven’t done the 5 Love Languages test I strongly suggest you and your spouse do it. I had been with my husband for 7 years by the time we got married, and after taking the test I felt like something clicked-for each of us. My husband feels love by physical touch followed closely by words of affirmation. So when he tells me his expectation is that we kiss every day, he is really saying that he wants to feel loved every day even when we don’t like each other. My love language is quality time followed closely by acts of service. Could we be any more opposite? My expectation in a marriage is that we spend time together and that he show me he loves me in small ways like making the bed so I don’t have to or putting my favorite soda in the fridge so it’s cold when I want it.
The harmful thing about expectations is that oftentimes we are not honest with ourselves or our spouses about what we want. So this week I challenge you to take the 5 Love Languages test or share 5 expectations in marriage with your partner. Even if you assume they already know what they are, share them and as your partner shares don’t feel the need to respond, just listen and discuss how your expectations in love and marriage can be met – as a team.