Lesson #2:

OWN the dog food

I parent my daughter in a way that I call “intentional parenting” which is something I am looking forward to talking much more about in the future. When I am making a decision or responding to a question o f hers I try to be very deliberate in my response. There are so many different ways to parent and it feels like everyone has an opinion regarding EVERYTHING related to parenthood. I try to live my life without any judgment. I recognize that everyone comes from their own background with different expectations, culture and struggles than I do. I had never experienced real judgmental people before I became a mother. I am sure there were people who spoke behind my back about my relationship or career or family, but never to my face. I’ll never understand why a group of women who know how difficult it is to raise another human being, are so tough on one another.

When I had my daughter, it was hard for me to get dressed. I felt like I was constantly going and going, that putting on clothes or brushing my hair felt like a waste when I had so many other things to get done. My mother made me feel guilty, like if I didn’t immerse my child into social activities then she would be awkward and inept to handle elementary school. I decided one day to get dressed, put on deodorant and pack us up for the day to hang out with perfect strangers. I was nervous to meet new people and had come up with a handful of excuses why I couldn’t go. But I went. I sat in a room in the library with other babies, my daughters age, and listened to the other mom’s brag about how great their newborn was doing in swimming lessons, or how well they were at sleeping at night and how great cloth diapers were for their babies and the environment. It seemed like the more I listened, the more I realized that I had no idea what I was doing. My daughter screamed when I put her in the tub (let alone a POOL!), she would sleep for 4 hour stints and then would be up, I had chosen to use disposable diapers because the thought of doing any more laundry made me want to curl up in a ball. 

One of the little girls in our Mom’s Group, crawled up to her mother, Christine, and started to get fussy. Christine, obviously a little embarrassed that the other children were quiet while her daughter was having a meltdown, frantically went through her diaper bag until she pulled out a bag. Her daughter was thrilled and started to wave her arms in the air as she saw it. It was just about to glance down at my phone when I heard one woman say “did you really bring goldfish to feed your daughter?” Christine was pale as a ghost now, and started to stutter as she tried to explain to a group of mother’s acting like a bunch of detectives. The “detectives” dug in further questioning Christine about all of the chemicals and processed foods she is giving her daughter. Christine looked gutted and the longer I waited for Christine to stick up for herself the more mad I got. I didn’t want to step on Christine’s toes but I felt like I needed to step in. After about 5 minutes of listening to this interrogation I belted out, “my daughter at dog food yesterday – so at least this is human food.” Christine looked at me with relief as the women quickly changed the subject to talk about what everyone almost caught their children eating and less focused on the goldfish.

I sat in my car in the parking lot of the library with such anger. How could they be so judgmental and VOCAL? How could goldfish be so taboo?

I learned that if you OWN your struggles with parenting, no one can make you feel less without your permission. I OWNED that I am not the earthy crunchy mother who knows what her child is doing at all times – and yet I know that I love my daughter, I know that she is healthy and that I am trying my best. No one is making me feel guilty or unworthy without my permission. If anything, I can laugh at my struggles because she gets into all sorts of stuff! As soon as I put the struggle out there and accept it – their power goes away.

I just want you to know that you are doing an awesome job. If your kid has never seen a  television or if you need to put on the television every day for some peace. If you feel your kids the most organic, non-GMO delicious meals ever known to man or if your child has goldfish snacks. Just know, that a happy parent and a stable home is far more valuable then anything else in that child’s life. Do not give anyone the power to make you feel less than. OWN your struggles.

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